arc-reactor asked: hey please tell me you're okay. ivev been going through my inbox and i saw we messaged a while back, so i decided to check in on you, please tell me youre okay. please.
Hey, I’m okay. As I guess you saw, I was very much not okay a couple of months back. I’ll try to give an explanation of what’s going on.
I have a load of issues as it is (depression, major anxiety about everything, various identity problems, no self esteem, problems making friends and maintaining relationships, family issues, a myriad of irrational thoughts, general low outlook on life…) but then everything really started turning to shit and I couldn’t take any more. A large tipping point was when I was seriously accused by my now-ex of stalking him, after I’d mentioned some games to him, apparently right as he’d started playing them. (This had apparently happened on a few occasions. But this time, it was games featured in Indie Game: The Movie, which we’d both just watched, so we were obviously both going to be interested to them at the time.). It’s a horrible thing to be accused of at the best of times, but this was basically the only person in the world that I completely trusted, and the only person I’d ever confided in about a lot of deeply personal things, so even now, it really hurts. I felt completely alone and abandoned.
There was a night (probably the night I made that post) that I really didn’t think I’d see the next day. I was desperate. Fortunately a friend messaged me, and I was able to talk through how I felt with him, and he stayed talking with me until I felt calm enough to go to bed. I went to the doctor to tell her what was happening (an ordeal in itself; I’ve not really been to a doctor before for anything, and this was a doctor I’d never met, so I really had to psych myself up to be able to go. The doctor recommended a couple of websites to me, and that I seek counselling. I’ve had a first contact appointment with a counsellor, and I’m now on the waiting list for counselling sessions. It’s helped that I’ve been getting regular work of late, that makes me feel better about myself, as well as keeping me busy. My eating has returned to normal (at the time, my appetite had completely gone, I couldn’t manage more than a couple of mouthfuls of meals, and I was frequently sick. I’m never normally sick, ever, and I normally have a huge appetite). I’ve generally been feeling a lot better this past couple of weeks, but still have the odd episode. I’ve opened up to more people, and I’m really trying to get my life on track. I’ve noticed that I’ve been a lot more positive, and a lot more confident. I hope I can get things sorted.